Landlords are Awful!

Living in an apartment has certainly been challenging. So I can totally relate to Will Ferrell's predicament featured in this short video. Those landlords can be total jerks. Totally. And downright intimidating and scary!

My favorite Christmas movie is Elf, so in the spirit of Christmas I'll post Will Ferrell's short on this here Christmas day. With a poofy calico laying on my ankles & a shitty movie playing on HBO. Enjoy the following funny: The Landlord.

Craziest Dream Evar

Keywords, a highly cryptic way of describing the craziest dream I've ever had:

• Time/Space Doppleganger
  
• Skyway, skyway tunnels, tunnels underneath Minneapolis
• Coffee shop - glass floor, then rug
• Gay + gay friend
• Madonna - La Isla Bonita "when it's time for siesta you can watch them go by" - wow, she knows it!
• Jogging, bicycling thru dwntwn Mpls
• Shower, towel
• Snow, commitment ring - buried in snow in little mound, eskimo - flung ring & took down helicopter that turned into skydiver & then took down more skydivers for fun w/ ring
• Heights, getting sick of so much high up
  
• Different Company - works for FBI
• Girl gets older - everything starts to go, asked age + 28 HAHA
• Dentist Appt

The Apartment Laundry Phenomenon

Doing laundry here at an apartment complex is highly awkward. Highly.

So I put my load of mostly unmentionables in the dryer, came back to the apartment and set the timer on the microwave. The timer beeped, I grabbed my laundry basket and headed down the hall to the laundry room...only to find my clothes thrown onto the table near the dryers.

While I sheepishly shoved my clothes into my basket, all I could think about were the grubby hands that had the privilege to touch my underwear. Without my freaking permission. Eww to the max, man.

I felt like I was doing the "walk of shame" all the way down the hallway. Hoping the culprit wouldn't see me and take some perverse pleasure in knowing whose underwear s/he just groped. Bah, totally lame.

But in the end I felt triumphant. My 2nd load in the washer finished just as that same dryer came to an end. I had the bad karmatic pleasure of placing their items on the table of shame.

How low I have stooped in such a short amount of time. Not necessarily low for putting their clothes on the table, but low due to the pleasure I took in doing so.

Bwahaha, suck it loony launderers.

What the Crap Happened?!?

Well a lot, actually. It's funny how self-conscious you get after you haven't blogged for a while. Even though only about 2, possibly 3, people read my tasty slice of Web 2.0 goodness. (Or badness, if you hate blogs as my mom does.) I still feel like I should deliver something amazing for my many months away.

Well I'm here to dash that expectation and get on with it already.

I traveled to D.C. & Orlando during the month of October for work. I've discovered that Orlando Airport + Northwest = Crap. This picture attests to some of what Erin & I suffered at the Northwest terminal:



Notice the dreadful black-garbage bag like stuff taped to the naked cement pillars. And the ceiling, oh wait - there is no freaking ceiling.

The worst part was the options for food. Erin went to get pizza while I waited at the ridiculous bar. It was the type of bar you find outside at resort swimming pools. Limited selection, overpriced, and tiny. But at least at a resort you have the pool. All we had was some no-name pizza place (which Erin said was pretty bad), an icky sandwich shop, and frozen yogurt. Oh joy. However do I choose...at this point the $5 Northwest Snackbox sounds pretty good.

Earlier in the month when I went to D.C. I stayed at a hotel that was posh to the max. Granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and a swiveling 40 inch flat screen HD TV. And they actually had HD channels.





Pardon the Slayer sweatshirt and cute shoes lined up by the table...

I also went to Vegas (for fun), but I won't torture with my pictures from there. At least not today, this blog entry is long enough. Congrats if you made it this far.

I'm back. I think. As long as Erin, Mark, & Jon read this, it's totally worth it.

Yeast Excrement - Breakfast of Champions, Baby!

I just finished Breakfast of Champions or Goodbye Blue Monday by the missed Kurt Vonnegut. I replayed the audiobook about 4 times when it got to the part about the Tralfamadore alien. (Below is an excerpt from this scene, which I got from this site so if it sucks and is wrong blame them.)

"A flying saucer creature named Zog arrived on Earth to
explain how wars could be prevented and how cancer can be
cured. He brought the information from Margo, a planet where
the natives conversed by means of farts and tap dancing.

Zog landed at night in Connecticut. He had no sooner
touched down than he saw a house on fire. He rushed into the
house, farting and tap dancing, warning the people about the
terrible danger they were in. The head of the house brained
Zog with a golf club (Vit 3)."

That was hilarious. Just imagine. Anyway, another super part of this book is when he talks about the yeast excrement. What a perfect description he paints for alcohol. So these microorganisms eat the sugar and crap out alcohol, which then this creates an environment that eventually kills the yeast. Brilliant. They crap their own fabulous poison.

So the other piece of this book I love is how character Science Fiction author Kilgore Trout has all of his novels published by a dirty adult publisher, as many sci fi writers go to great lengths to get their works published. Well he's often upset how the pictures they include in the book have nothing to do with the story content. For example, there's a picture in one of his novels of a professor being stripped of his professor clothing by these college girls with a library in view of the professor's office window (or something that indicates this is a campus) and Kilgore is irritated because nowhere in the book is a college campus or anything related mentioned. Funny.

Side note: Currently watching Anthony Bourdain's show No Reservations and he just said, "Breakfast of champions" as he ate balls. Yes, sheep balls. What a magical ending to this blog post.

YouTube, Debates, & a Poofy Calico Delight

Whoa, the world has changed so much. I remember when it was groundbreaking that Bill Clinton went on MTV and answered the questions of MTV kids. I just watched the tail-end of the YouTube debate on CNN. It was insane watching potential candidates answering the questions of YouTube viewers. It's like Web 2.0 has finally arrived. The Internet is shifting the power of the people. (Although keep in mind certain companies want to fuck all that up - check out the article in the August issue of Playboy or this incomplete article.) Just buy the Playboy, you get to see hot chicks naked and photo-shopped to uber perfection. And the article is complete and very good.

I'm probably being over dramatic, as I have that tendency. However I think back to that MTV thingy with Bill Clinton and I remember thinking how the hell those losers got on the show. Are they all from New York? Rich enough to travel there? And then how did they get chosen for ticket dispersion?

For this debate numerous candidates felt compelled to participate, unlike the 90s with Bill. As if not participating with a YouTube debate would be the demise of a campaign, which I'm sure it would be for any who declined...McCain?. Or did I miss the news story that he finally pulled out. I used to respect that guy as the only Republican that had the balls to occasionally think outside the conservative box. But boy did he disappoint the last year.

Everyone with access to a web-cam or video camera with appropriate hook-ups had the chance to ask an intelligent question. Granted they were filtered through a corporate news network (I'm assuming CNN chose the questions, however according to an article from their site it's more open that that).

Well, now that YouTube has really made a difference, I really need to finish that music video featuring my poofy calico cat and Sepultura's "Territory." All this attention for YouTube will surely bring her all the publicity she needs to launch her career as cutest gd cat EVAR!!!

Hotdamn, I'm Famous

Well, sort of. I pride myself on being a wordsmith. So when I found out that my friend, and long lost brother, Mark Peters, posted a word I made up in a recent email to him on his totally fabulous Wordlustitude Blog I was obviously thrilled. Wow, that sentence was poorly constructed. Mark will surely hate it.

Well here it is. My contribution to our amazing language captured on Wordlustitude: ackfuck.

Next I think he needs to capture my word "slimetard" from a previous blog post. That's a super word. Highly versatile, and excellent to use when describing people who are slimy, creepy, and not very clever or mentally slow.

******/**o* = Greedy Souless Slimetards

*Previous parts of post censored*

I don't know how people like the *****'s sleep at night. I don't know how the people who carry out their evil deeds sleep at night. Perhaps they roll in money and it takes away all bothersome thoughts of morality and empathy. Or perhaps once you sell your soul to the devil one of the perks is that this kind of shit doesn't phase you.

Well enjoy life now, assholes, because Hell awaits.

Sprinklers Own Your Ass, Mother Nature

So it seemed a ridiculous idea at the time, but after the Sag Corridor fire in 1995 a bunch of homeowners installed forest fire sprinkler systems on their home and surrounding property. When dad first told me about the system he was installing I laughed at him. Like some stupid sprinklers would be able to stop an approaching wall of fire from consuming your home and trees. But the science of these systems is actually quite sound and the pictures I took yesterday are proof of their power.

The sprinklers create this bubble of humid air that acts as a Star Trek style shield preventing burning embers and flames from entering the protective bubble. The sprinklers become most effective if you're able to run them at least 3 hours in advance of the fire.

My dad's place survived the recent Ham Lake fire and so did many of his neighbors on Island Road. Dad was a member of the now legendary Seagull Seven who defended our road that week in early May. (Dad actually coined the term - there was another remarkable group of people on the Canadian side of Saganaga Lake who were called the Saganaga Six).

Check out these pictures from Island Rd:

The heat of the fire got right next to this home.

Check out the burned area directly behind these homes that survived.

A closer view of the previous picture.

Google Knows It - I'm Amazing

Ok, I did a Google search for "Hot Sugared Donut Holes" and guess who was the first result. Yours fucking truly. This here blog. Although this blog has started off being an obsess-fest over the great Mr. Mike Ness it has somehow climbed the Google ranks to be the first search result when searching for the Dave & Buster's lovely dessert, the namesake of my blog.

Either Google is wrong or I am popular. I think Google could never be wrong and I like the idea of being popular. Narcissism fits an only child so very well.

I'd like to thank my parents, my cats, my dog Sofia, and of course Jesus.

A YouTube experiment made in heaven

I'm trying something new. Embedding a YouTube video directly from YouTube. It's one of my fave SD songs.

Warning: Mike Ness may cause Weakness of the Knees

How did God do it. How did he make a man like Mike Ness. He was totally on that day in 1962. He created a masterpiece of a man. I don't want to be lame and ruin all of this by getting into the specifics behind what makes Mike Ness the most amazing, loveliest man alive, but suffice it to say that he is and the Hottest and Most Sugared Donut Hole in the universe put it in her blog. So it must be a fact.

It's a PC world, so let's eliminate bake-offs while we're at it

Everything has gone the way of political correctness and none of it has satisfied my needs. For example I like to say harassment with the "ass" pronounced as the word intended, not the dreaded hairessment.

So as someone who doesn't feel the need to be constantly offended by pointless bullshit I've finally found my point of offention. (get it - it's a play on "point of contention"...)

Anyway at work today we had this bake-off contest for a meeting. The meeting occurred around lunchtime when people are generally hungry. Well self goddamn control went out the goddamn window and I ate craploads of sugary creamy buttery-crusty crap. CRAP!!! I don't even like sweet stuff. Ugh, not pleased.

So there should be a rule that bake-offs have to contain splenda and fat free cream cheese. Or else a nice, hungry girl such as myself will be subjected to the temptation and peer-pressure of eating the baked goods of proud, and possibly sensitive, co-workers. Or bake-offs should be optional gatherings and not at required meetings during lunch hours.

I got up at 5:30am this morning to get to downtown Minneapolis early enough to workout. I rode the bus with no makeup. All to negate it with cheesecake and pie. Not cool, man, not cool.

Fuck Productivity

Yes, I'm supposed to be cleaning the house for the gd carpet cleaners. But instead I'm wasting time on MySpace and intermittently dancing around the living room as I listen to Social Distortion as the tunes dictate dancability. Some are just more danceable than others. I think I'm making up words here, but I'm a certified wordsmith so it's all good.

Do I have any broke friends in the St. Cloud area who need free food? I have a big box of canned & boxed shit like cream corn that I was going to donate to the food shelf. I have no idea how I ended up with so much Food Club Creamed Corn. I don't even eat that crap. In the process of clearing out crap in the house for the carpet munchers, as my long lost brother Mark calls them, I've come across a stockpile of food I must have been building for the apocalypse or nuclear holocaust or something. Well this shit has got to go, so let me know if you want in. Especially if you heart creamed corn.

Ugh, dude it's nearly 4pm. Must...get...motivated...

Warning: Mike Ness may cause weakness of the knees.

Another State of Mind

It's taken me a while to get here. To this Blogosphere, or whatever the hell it's called.

It's Friday, it's been a long week, and I want to go home and get my party on. I've got Another State of Mind waiting for me at my smelly house and I intend to watch Mike Ness with pleasure and drink some wine and get into another state of mind.

This is my first blog post, and therefore pretty lame by default of being the first. I just wanted to get it over with.

Over and Out.