Proud To Be a Vacuous American

If I hear one more republican spew crap like Mitt Romney did at the RNC this year, I'm going to freaking lose it: "Just like you, there has never been a day when I was not proud to be an American. We inherited the greatest nation in the history of the earth."

Ok, for starters - I can inherit my mother's china and then proceed to use it in the microwave and feed my cats with it. The china is probably not going to be as pristine as it was when I inherited from her. Well I'm not sure I'm too proud of the greed and bad decision making that destroyed our economy (thanks for that deregulation stuff, republicans - you're right - the market can totally take care of itself! Just watch it do it! Oh wait, didn't you just pump hundreds of billions of dollars into because it isn't taking care of itself? Hmmmm....).

I'm also not proud that we went into Iraq based on a lie (that Al Qaeda is there). What really gets me is so many people still think it's true, even though it wasn't! But even more shameful are the republican politicians still asserting it as fact and claiming that going into Iraq helped prevent future attacks against America. I'm calling bullshit on that one. Here's what the moron Sen. Lindsey Graham said at the RNC: "Because losing in Iraq would have been a nightmare for America. Al' Qaeda would have claimed victory over our nation."

Wow - now I'm really not proud that there are still those in office that are stating this bullshit in 2008, a good 4 years after the 9/11 Commission stated there wasn't a connection. Most likely he's aware of this, but he knows there are enough stupid people registered to vote who will believe what he's saying is face and vote for McCain based on how the Iraq war has prevented Al Qaeda from attacking us again.

This election is killing me...

The comfort of opinions without the discomfort of thought

If your answer to the question, “Why are you voting for _________” includes anything about hockey, mothers of five, cocktails or beers, or being able to have a conversation with the person (because they don't talk all smart-like), you are not using your brain and actually evaluating a candidate on the issues. You know, those boring policy thingies that they push once they're sworn in? Yeah, see it isn’t their personality or ability to drive a minivan to a hockey game or even the fact that decades ago he may have been in a box. What really is going to affect your life is the legislation and decisions they make. The campaign is just a show. The next four years will be the real thing.

And to all of you Undecideds out there. You wear your “Undecided” status like it’s a badge of honor. Because the media talks about your group all the time, you think, “Wow, my opinion really matters! I’m important!” Well you know what? You ARE important, but in a dangerous way. If you seriously aren’t informed enough about the issues to be able to pick a candidate by this point, then dude – just don’t go vote. Your vote will be lazily decided by something stupid reported in the media or a campaign ad at the last minute, as it probably has been every other election.

For example, a person interviewed on MPR stated that she was (in the past) super liberal, way to the left and she was like totally voting Obama. But then the whole scandal with his church came up and now she’s voting for McCain. The idiocy behind that important decision floors me. What the fuck….really?! A woman interviewed yesterday on NPR said she wasn’t going to vote for Obama. And when asked why, she paused, and then offered this, “I'd rather not say. I’m just a McCain girl!” Yep – no substantive reason. If she just picks someone and doesn’t have to think too hard about the “why” question, then it’s soooo much easier on her brain and she can devote more time to watching the latest reality television show.

Our country is obsessed with the Myth. The myth of small town America and hockey moms that erodes the intelligence from the minds of people in this country. The myth that allows a man to go on and on and on about being in a box - the War Hero. Palin reminded us all that the only person running for president who actually fought for us (America) is John McCain, insinuating that only physical fighting is how one truly serves and fights for our country. Belittling Obama's fight for underprivileged Americans as a community organizer. Right. That's not nearly as romantic as holding a gun and being captured and put in a "box." That's a Hollywood movie, baby! That's what I'm voting for - the best story, best personality, best hair! I'd have a beer with him! Ugh... The myth sells, and America is buying.

I think President Kennedy put it best about the danger of the Myth:

"For the great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie—deliberate, contrived, and dishonest—but the myth—persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Too often we hold fast to the cliches of our forebears. We subject all facts to a prefabricated set of interpretations. We enjoy the comfort of opinions without the discomfort of thought."

-President John F. Kennedy, commencement address at Yale University, New Haven, Connecticut, June 11, 1962.—Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: John F. Kennedy, 1962, p. 234.

Monkeys, Christians, & Vonnegut (oh my!)

Alright, so this blog started off as a Mike Ness lovefest (as my L.L. Bro Mark P. stated in a comment), but now it has progressed to a Kurt Vonnegut lovefest. And for anyone who claims I should put a "jr." after his name, you can go ahead and read this, you inferior Vonnegut lovers. I did cite Wikipedia there, but this is a goddamn blog post not a freaking research article.

I've always championed a man's excuse for subscribing to Playboy: "But I only read it for the articles."

I subscribe to Playboy, and you do spend the first 5 mns looking at the naked ladies, but then you move on..............to what? Yes, the articles! Some of the greatest authors have had their short works of fiction published in the classy pages of Playboy magazine, one of which is the fabulous Mr. Kurt Vonnegut.

That story was "Welcome to the Monkey House," which happens to be the title of his collection of short stories. In one of those stories, "Where I Live," he loosely quotes H.L. Mencken: "Nobody ever went broke overestimating the vulgarity of the American people." Now funny thing about H.L. Mencken is he was a columnist for the Baltimore Sun and reported on the Scopes Trial, which was of course the legal duel between Creationism and Evolution. This trial was also referred to as the Monkey Trial. Which brings us back full circle to Vonnegut's "Welcome to the Monkey House" and the funny little bit about how a masturbating zoo monkey resulted in all of the world losing the right to feel sexual pleasure. How a minute incident lead to such a total fuck-up in the governing of the world.

So in the title story (which takes place sometime in the future), there's this drug everyone is required to take called "ethical birth-control pills." As quoted from the book:

"The pills were ethical because they didn't interfere with a person's ability to reproduce, which would have been unnatural and immoral. All the pills did was take every bit of pleasure out of sex. Thus did science and morals go hand in hand."

Now this is funny in many ways (thanks, Vonnegut, for being such a literary god).

But what's funnier is how this ethical birth-control came to be. The drug was originally invented by a guy who was appalled when he witnessed a monkey at the zoo playing with its private parts, so he created a drug that would numb the lower half of the body to prevent such an offense for a "Christian family to see." The original inventor of the pill, J. Edgar Norton, never intended them to be consumed by humans: "His dream was to introduce morality into the monkey house at the Grand Rapids Zoo."

Well the World Government took hold of the drug when overpopulation was getting out of control and enforced it on everyone. Oh, and they also opened up "Suicide Parlors" where a Hostess will "kill you painlessly while you lay on a Barcalounger." These were always located next to a Howard Johnson which provided the last meal for the volunteer suiciders. Brilliant.

But all of this boils down to monkeys and Christians: the eternal battle. What a condensed piece of beautiful humor. And yet so goddamn sad.

I haven't yet read Vonnegut's Galapagos book. But it just made its way into my GoodReads required reading list.

Hot Sugared Donut Holes meets Intellectuality

While this blog doesn't really have a point other than to satiate narcissistic tendencies, I'm going to make an attempt to bring some intellectuality into it. You read me correctly, Intellectuality. According to Blogger it is a word, as there isn't a dotted red line underneath it. But I digress from the intellectual...

So I just finished another Vonnegut novel: Slapstick. It's perfect Vonnegut. I don't think I'm cool enough to catch every subtle nuanced meaning from his brilliant books, but I can scrape the surface and glean some deep entertainment from them.

As one who frequently cites, "those who fail to learn from history are condemned to repeat it" whenever I'm pissed off by the current powers that be, I found this response in Slapstick to be most therapeutic:

"History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again."

I must dedicate the following Slapstick excerpt to Erin:

"Fascists are inferior people who believe it when someone tells them they're superior."

And this to Jon, the original Vonnegut fan:

"You are so ugly, you're the sexiest thing I ever saw."

And this possible eggcorn root to Mark:

"He looked up at last, and I was amused to see that he was the spit and image of his grandfather, Dr. Stewart Rawlings Mott..."

Sincerely,
an overdressed little sparrow-fart

New Year's Eve South of the Cities

Ok, so it's my first New Year's Eve outside of St. Cloud that I can remember. I figured it'd be low key, some burgers, fries done up right via Anthony Bourdain's Les Halles Frites recipe and a fabulous Cool Daddy fry appliance.

Around 2 minutes after midnight, and refusing to watch any of the countdowns on TV, I hear this loud shooting sound outside the balcony door. It sounded like the 4th of July, not the gunshots mom warned me about when I moved down here.

So wide-eyed and giddy I headed out to the balcony with the dog and my Slayer hat and watched the fireworks behind one of the apartment complex buildings. It was cold and beautiful...

I can't scrape the cheesy goodness off of that one. It is what it is. I lived in the same town for 28 years, so this was special considering this is my first year venturing out of that town.

Aside from the cheesy crap, there were these kids running around outside with goose & duck calling reeds, yelling "Happy New Years!!!!" It was especially funny when a cop drove by and you could hear one kid yelling, "that was a cop!" Sometime during all of this, others from nearby apartments were hooting and hollering re: the Happy New Year.

It was all very funny and entertaining - good enough to make this quiet New Year's "party" at the apt. worth something. Surely not as cool as Jen's party, but not nearly as lame as I anticipated. I heart the southern 'burbs, yo.

Landlords are Awful!

Living in an apartment has certainly been challenging. So I can totally relate to Will Ferrell's predicament featured in this short video. Those landlords can be total jerks. Totally. And downright intimidating and scary!

My favorite Christmas movie is Elf, so in the spirit of Christmas I'll post Will Ferrell's short on this here Christmas day. With a poofy calico laying on my ankles & a shitty movie playing on HBO. Enjoy the following funny: The Landlord.

Craziest Dream Evar

Keywords, a highly cryptic way of describing the craziest dream I've ever had:

• Time/Space Doppleganger
  
• Skyway, skyway tunnels, tunnels underneath Minneapolis
• Coffee shop - glass floor, then rug
• Gay + gay friend
• Madonna - La Isla Bonita "when it's time for siesta you can watch them go by" - wow, she knows it!
• Jogging, bicycling thru dwntwn Mpls
• Shower, towel
• Snow, commitment ring - buried in snow in little mound, eskimo - flung ring & took down helicopter that turned into skydiver & then took down more skydivers for fun w/ ring
• Heights, getting sick of so much high up
  
• Different Company - works for FBI
• Girl gets older - everything starts to go, asked age + 28 HAHA
• Dentist Appt

The Apartment Laundry Phenomenon

Doing laundry here at an apartment complex is highly awkward. Highly.

So I put my load of mostly unmentionables in the dryer, came back to the apartment and set the timer on the microwave. The timer beeped, I grabbed my laundry basket and headed down the hall to the laundry room...only to find my clothes thrown onto the table near the dryers.

While I sheepishly shoved my clothes into my basket, all I could think about were the grubby hands that had the privilege to touch my underwear. Without my freaking permission. Eww to the max, man.

I felt like I was doing the "walk of shame" all the way down the hallway. Hoping the culprit wouldn't see me and take some perverse pleasure in knowing whose underwear s/he just groped. Bah, totally lame.

But in the end I felt triumphant. My 2nd load in the washer finished just as that same dryer came to an end. I had the bad karmatic pleasure of placing their items on the table of shame.

How low I have stooped in such a short amount of time. Not necessarily low for putting their clothes on the table, but low due to the pleasure I took in doing so.

Bwahaha, suck it loony launderers.

What the Crap Happened?!?

Well a lot, actually. It's funny how self-conscious you get after you haven't blogged for a while. Even though only about 2, possibly 3, people read my tasty slice of Web 2.0 goodness. (Or badness, if you hate blogs as my mom does.) I still feel like I should deliver something amazing for my many months away.

Well I'm here to dash that expectation and get on with it already.

I traveled to D.C. & Orlando during the month of October for work. I've discovered that Orlando Airport + Northwest = Crap. This picture attests to some of what Erin & I suffered at the Northwest terminal:



Notice the dreadful black-garbage bag like stuff taped to the naked cement pillars. And the ceiling, oh wait - there is no freaking ceiling.

The worst part was the options for food. Erin went to get pizza while I waited at the ridiculous bar. It was the type of bar you find outside at resort swimming pools. Limited selection, overpriced, and tiny. But at least at a resort you have the pool. All we had was some no-name pizza place (which Erin said was pretty bad), an icky sandwich shop, and frozen yogurt. Oh joy. However do I choose...at this point the $5 Northwest Snackbox sounds pretty good.

Earlier in the month when I went to D.C. I stayed at a hotel that was posh to the max. Granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and a swiveling 40 inch flat screen HD TV. And they actually had HD channels.





Pardon the Slayer sweatshirt and cute shoes lined up by the table...

I also went to Vegas (for fun), but I won't torture with my pictures from there. At least not today, this blog entry is long enough. Congrats if you made it this far.

I'm back. I think. As long as Erin, Mark, & Jon read this, it's totally worth it.

Yeast Excrement - Breakfast of Champions, Baby!

I just finished Breakfast of Champions or Goodbye Blue Monday by the missed Kurt Vonnegut. I replayed the audiobook about 4 times when it got to the part about the Tralfamadore alien. (Below is an excerpt from this scene, which I got from this site so if it sucks and is wrong blame them.)

"A flying saucer creature named Zog arrived on Earth to
explain how wars could be prevented and how cancer can be
cured. He brought the information from Margo, a planet where
the natives conversed by means of farts and tap dancing.

Zog landed at night in Connecticut. He had no sooner
touched down than he saw a house on fire. He rushed into the
house, farting and tap dancing, warning the people about the
terrible danger they were in. The head of the house brained
Zog with a golf club (Vit 3)."

That was hilarious. Just imagine. Anyway, another super part of this book is when he talks about the yeast excrement. What a perfect description he paints for alcohol. So these microorganisms eat the sugar and crap out alcohol, which then this creates an environment that eventually kills the yeast. Brilliant. They crap their own fabulous poison.

So the other piece of this book I love is how character Science Fiction author Kilgore Trout has all of his novels published by a dirty adult publisher, as many sci fi writers go to great lengths to get their works published. Well he's often upset how the pictures they include in the book have nothing to do with the story content. For example, there's a picture in one of his novels of a professor being stripped of his professor clothing by these college girls with a library in view of the professor's office window (or something that indicates this is a campus) and Kilgore is irritated because nowhere in the book is a college campus or anything related mentioned. Funny.

Side note: Currently watching Anthony Bourdain's show No Reservations and he just said, "Breakfast of champions" as he ate balls. Yes, sheep balls. What a magical ending to this blog post.

YouTube, Debates, & a Poofy Calico Delight

Whoa, the world has changed so much. I remember when it was groundbreaking that Bill Clinton went on MTV and answered the questions of MTV kids. I just watched the tail-end of the YouTube debate on CNN. It was insane watching potential candidates answering the questions of YouTube viewers. It's like Web 2.0 has finally arrived. The Internet is shifting the power of the people. (Although keep in mind certain companies want to fuck all that up - check out the article in the August issue of Playboy or this incomplete article.) Just buy the Playboy, you get to see hot chicks naked and photo-shopped to uber perfection. And the article is complete and very good.

I'm probably being over dramatic, as I have that tendency. However I think back to that MTV thingy with Bill Clinton and I remember thinking how the hell those losers got on the show. Are they all from New York? Rich enough to travel there? And then how did they get chosen for ticket dispersion?

For this debate numerous candidates felt compelled to participate, unlike the 90s with Bill. As if not participating with a YouTube debate would be the demise of a campaign, which I'm sure it would be for any who declined...McCain?. Or did I miss the news story that he finally pulled out. I used to respect that guy as the only Republican that had the balls to occasionally think outside the conservative box. But boy did he disappoint the last year.

Everyone with access to a web-cam or video camera with appropriate hook-ups had the chance to ask an intelligent question. Granted they were filtered through a corporate news network (I'm assuming CNN chose the questions, however according to an article from their site it's more open that that).

Well, now that YouTube has really made a difference, I really need to finish that music video featuring my poofy calico cat and Sepultura's "Territory." All this attention for YouTube will surely bring her all the publicity she needs to launch her career as cutest gd cat EVAR!!!